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A moment of silence
Remembering the victims of AIDS
Pride March Manila 2015
Fight for love

 

There is darkness.
You can’t see anything, can’t even hold anything.
You cannot see the light. There is no hope.
Try opening your eyes.

 

Dearest readers, hello. What do we have for today’s article?
The most critical of them all, I guess.


                                            Mental disorders.

 

How do you keep a secret for so long, to suppress the truth and what you really are?
Must be quite a chaotic thing to hold, is it not?
Imagine you created a new identity just so you can blend in.
Everyone likes you. You are accepted as this new person you have created within words and false smiles.
You are invited to grandiose parties, always complimented, always being bragged about to others.
But it is not who you are. You are living a lie. This is not who you really are. And the people around you believed in that lie.
So, imagine carrying such a lie for years, until you can no longer carry it with you and you implode.
You implode. Bottled emotions that were kept for years just scatter all over the place: Sadness, fear,
confusion, regret, and so much more.
The energy to get up in the morning withers away as you think to yourself, is it really worth it? They know not who I am, and if they do, they will never look at me the same way
Then, you stay in your bed for what seems like hours, for eternity, but really, only five minutes have passed by.
So you get up, and carry on with your lie because that is what you built their trust on.

 
  That is how closeted people with different sexual orientations and or gender identification feel like.

Depression, mild to severe schizophrenia, bipolarity, severe anxiety leading to panic attacks, ‘timid’ teenagers who do not know what to do when they are in public. Hell, even just talking to the cashier or some saleslady puts their thoughts on a rather chaotic state. No, I am not exaggerating. This is how they all feel. Even I have trouble talking loud in public, or just asking that girl in front of me for directions.

I stutter, I stammer, I make weird gestures; frustrated noises, a natural expression that screams ‘I-will-kill-you’ but it’s just me being me. Being stoic, actually.

Closeted teens are surrounded by misogynistic people; whether it be men or women. They have trouble dressing up, for they know whatever they do, they will be criticized for it.
No, actually, to make my statement rather clear, it is how all teenagers and young adults feel. Even adults still suffer from severe anxiety. 
I have witnessed first-hand, a female cry because she was asked several questions pertaining the subject. The mantras of ‘I don’t know, I’m sorry’ going on and on until the professor managed to calm her down.  The student, who will remain nameless, either became the topic for several conversations leading to insults or a person to avoid. Pitiful, really.

Is it not hilarious, how adults will say, ‘in our time, we did this [ put reason here ]’. Odd, really, because this is no longer their time and time changes ever so quickly. Swiftly, and with the people along with it.
They scrutinize those teenagers until they are left feeling self-conscious and with a self-depreciating mentality.

 

Faced with these kinds of adults every day, what happens to the closeted teens and young adults? They become scared of saying who they are. It feels, rather, as a block of ice covering one’s throat and drowning quietly, until there is nothing but sempiternal darkness. It goes the same with outed teens and young adults but are not accepted by family and or friends.


The result being one thing: Suicide.
This, I confess, is a grim topic to talk about. But it must be addressed. So people out there who make fun of those teens and young adults may know what it feels like.
Often, people will retaliate close-minded people with the same fire. But there is more destruction to it than learning. And perhaps, burning someone or something as well. Which is a criminal act. Arson, when it comes to property, and murder or attempted murder if it goes for the person.

Anyway, getting back to the topic at hand. Suicide is not a topic to be done lightly. It is serious. As serious as liver failure or cancer. With such mental disorders, we are often told to ‘get over it’, or ‘you’re overthinking’, but the truth is, isn’t your attitude the problem here and not ours?

Mental disorder, like many other health-related problems, should be treated the same and not something to ‘get over with’ or frowned upon. People die more because of this than cancer.  Who knows what ever goes on the mind of these people?

They have scars, they have tear-stained cheeks, and sometimes they give up. Those who gave up will always be remembered, but I can prove to you that these survivors will always be stronger than you.
Physically, perhaps, they have no problems, but mentally? They have demons that haunt them every night. Screaming, clawing, telling them they are not good enough. Telling them that being gay is a sin, words that ring with their parents’ voice, or perhaps, telling them that they do not deserve to live in such a world. That they deserve to die, and by doing so, they will do the world a favour.

That girl whom you made fun of? She has scars underneath that jumper she is wearing. That boy you laughed at for wearing such ‘girly’ clothes? Congratulations, he has made a suicide note and have ponder over it over time. That man you insulted because he is not really a man? Well done, he is finally dead.

Words, my dear readers, leave an impact more than actions.  Whatever you say will leave a mark on their soul and will always be remembered. They are introverts, people who are comfortable not socialising or sharing aspect of their life or problems with anyone. They are well enough on their own, but loneliness is not what they want. Of course, they need people from time to time, but being alone serves quite right at times.

Remember to know what you will say the next time you meet someone.
It will always, always be remembered.

You aim to hurt with sharp words that have jagged edges and it leaves more than it should have.
This, in particularly, with parents who do not accept their children for what they are just because
it is against their religion or it is not ‘what they wanted’ or ‘not who they are’.
These words will resonate through their child’s head again and again until they feel helpless, pathetic,
and they have nothing to do but regret being alive. Their chest grows heavy, their cheeks are stained with their tears, their eyes puffy and red from crying during the darkness of the night. With a world that does not accept them for who they are, why should they continue to leave?

They take a blade, and let out a little of a steam from the tires. But sometimes, it no longer works.
If I have any words to describe what it is, then we will all be jumping out of our windows. Perhaps,
they see the beauty in something as morbid as suicide.

What is far worse, is that, people romanticize sadness and suicide. They write poems about how sadness takes over their bodies, but in truth, it is full of unruly hair, dozens of pills, sunken eyes and spilt water.
There are far more suicides with those teenagers and young adults who identify themselves as different than others. Why? Because words hurt. They go straight to the heart. The brain then overthinks it.

 

Overthinking is not one’s fault. It occurs naturally. One cannot just turn it off as if it was a switch. It is far more impossible than that. Someone looks say something and you cannot help but listen to it again and again to make sure they still like you as a friend or perhaps they hate you. Overthinking is a problem, just like mental disorders. Actually, it is a part of mental disorders.

You see films, movies, which glorify suicide but, dear reader, let me tell you something:  It does not come quite close to that of reality. Often, these movies represent that as long as you find someone, then you find something you can live for.

I humbly disagree! You need not live for anyone else! Live for yourself! Do things that make yourself proud! You are not born in order to impress other people, in order to pay back your parents! Your parents did not make you because they wished for you to pay them back when they grow old. No! You were made because they wanted a child, and when one wants a child, there are responsibilities along with it. You owe the Universe nothing! You owe yourself happiness! Live for yourself. Do things that will make you happy. Laugh, cry, fall in love, break up. Everything you do is natural. Except if you eat your booger or float, when you have no space boots on. That is highly unnatural. You, my friend, are enough. You do not need anyone to tell you otherwise. But this is a reminder, of course, that you are actually more than enough. You are irreplaceable. Out of all the million occupants of the planet Earth, there is only one you, and you do not need to be loved or needed.  You do not need to leave a mark. For you already have. Simply by living, and not surviving. You are no failure. You are not what others tell you are.

Scars, I believe, are often as common nowadays with people who cause them. The only thing is that you are a survivor. The rest of you may not have come back, but you are still you. Hold your chin up high, and wear your scars like a badge of honour. Be proud of what you have come through. 

 

                                                       You made it this far. Keep going on.

 

By Chris Eusebio

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